Coping With Disappointment After Delivery

Many mothers experience feelings of joy and elation after delivering their baby, while many mothers feel disappointment after birth. No matter which emotions you feel, it is normal. The rollercoaster of fluctuating hormones and expectations that come with pregnancy and birth result in a mixture of feelings and emotions once the baby has been delivered. These are sometimes hard to admit to, but are none the less real, valid and common emotions.

There are many reasons a woman may feel disappointed after delivering their baby. The birth experience may have been a traumatic one that they weren't prepared for. This could make a woman angry or upset at having had to experience such a trauma. The type of delivery may have not been what they had planned, such as an emergency caesarean. Gender disappointment is more common than you may think and it is not just experienced by mothers, but by fathers too. Postnatal depression can cause all kinds of negative thoughts and attitudes towards your birth experience and baby.

Traumatic and disappointing birth experiences

Many women experience some form of disappointment from their birth experiences. This can be because it didn't go according to their birth plan or for other reasons that have left them feeling guilty, depressed and traumatised. These feelings are often to do with not having the birth which was planned and wished for. Every birth experience is individual and cannot be replaced. It is important to remember that no matter how you ended up delivering your baby, if you are both healthy and well, then that is the most important thing. However, this is easier said than done for many mothers who cannot find an easy way to recover emotionally from a negative or unplanned experience. It can affect the bonding process with your baby and the guilt can eat you up over time. If you are feeling disappointed or worse after delivering your baby, speak to someone about your feelings. With many local and national support groups and pregnancy forums and websites available, you should be able to find support and advice on how to deal with your emotions.

Emergency caesarean

It is not unusual for mothers who have had an emergency caesarean to feel inadequate and/or a failure for not having delivered their baby naturally. The disappointment is often linked to the time taken to recover from the operation. Being confined to a bed and unable to move due the epidural that numbs your abdomen and legs, with a catheter that removes your urine while you are unable to get up, plus a drip attached to your arm providing you with pain relief, can all be frightening if you are not expecting it. This can leave mothers feeling incapable and reliant on others. The fresh scar across your abdomen will probably feel raw and sore and if you are not prepared for this kind of birth, you could well end up feeling disappointed, angry or upset about the method your baby was delivered by.

With so many factors to deal with, it is not at all surprising that some mothers may feel short-changed after an emergency caesarean delivery. After all, it wasn't part of their birth plan. The important part to remember is that your baby has been delivered safely and that you and your baby are no longer in danger and are both stable and well. It may not have been what you were planning for or what you expected, but you are both together now and you can look forward to getting on with the important job of being a mother to your newborn.

Postpartum depression (PPD)

Often called postnatal depression, PPD is a clinical condition of depression suffered predominately by women, but sometimes by men, after the onset of birth. Lasting from a few months after delivery to a couple of years, PPD can be extremely debilitating and often goes undiagnosed. Symptoms include fatigue, sadness, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, feeling unable to cope, reduced libido, anxiety, crying episodes and irritability. It is important to see your doctor if you suspect you may be suffering from postpartum depression. Recovery usually includes counselling of some form or attending a support group.

It is easy to put your feelings down to tiredness from the sleepless nights during the postpartum period and to believe you should just get on with it, but asking for help doesn't mean you are a failure as a mother. Most mothers who suffer from PPD don't recognise it in themselves, so it is up to their partners, friends, family and healthcare workers to recognise the signs in order to start appropriate treatment quickly. Don't be ashamed of admitting to your nearest and dearest or a healthcare professional that you are struggling emotionally. The sooner you, or someone around you, recognises the symptoms of PPD, the sooner you can get appropriate treatment. Having a happy, nurturing relationship with your child will come, it may just take time.

Gender disappointment

'As long as they are healthy' is most people's reply when asked whether they want a girl or a boy. For many, this is a true statement, but for others, they say what is expected of them. To indicate a preference for either sex can be interpreted as being a bad parent or bad person. However, the truth is that while many people have no preference, many do, they are just too afraid to voice it. Gender disappointment after a birth affects fathers just as much as mothers. Many parents choose to find out the sex of their child at their 20 week scan. This way they can prepare themselves for what is to come. While gender disappointment can occur at this time, it does give parents time to get over their disappointment and look forward to having either the boy or girl.

The reasons people prefer one sex to another is varied and complex, however most of us assume we can understand or relate to one gender better than the other. We may also have stereotype views regarding boys and girls. Early experiences of women and men in general, as well as relationships with parents can all have an impact on our feelings towards the different sexes. After the initial disappointment of finding out the baby is not the preferred sex, most parents fortunately go on to feel like they wouldn't change anything about their baby, including their gender, for anything in the world!