Helicopter Parenting: What's All The Fuss?

Friday 8th of March 2013 | Category: Pregnancy News | Written by: Siobhan Thomas

What is Helicopter Parenting?

Helicopter parenting is a term used (usually in a derogatory fashion) to describe parents who 'hover' over their children. It refers usually to a pattern of parenting that involves near constant supervision, taking the child to multiple classes and clubs and generally doing too much for them. The subject has received a fresh round of debate this week following Conservative MP Claire Perry's criticism of such parents.

Why the Hot Debate?

The arguments for and against helicopter parenting are compelling when stated at their extreme. Those in favour of this approach argue that the 'hovering' style delivers a permanent stream of education for their children. They believe that providing ever varying home activities from cake making to creative play helps to develop all the key areas of a child's potential skill set that cannot possibly be achieved in a nursery or school environment alone. 'Pro helicopters' are keen to give their children as many opportunities as they can in order for them to achieve more later in life. One guest caller on Radio 4's You & Yours programme this week pointed out that you wouldn't find many children reaching grade 5 violin without having been encouraged by their parents to attend classes and work hard at their practice sessions - such examples are hard to argue against. The provision of different opportunities is seen as a basic form of nurture by some parents, broadening their horizons, teaching them new skills and giving them less time to get into trouble!

Those on the other side of the fence see helicopter parents as pushy and competitive. Accusations that the misjudged effects of an action packed weekly schedule in fact do more harm than good. They argue that children suffer from exhaustion and in some cases depression or anxiety borne out of concerns that they are not reaching their parents' expectations. Claire Perry says she has concerns about parents focussing so much on their child's academic or sporting ability, suggesting that they fail to educate them in important life skills such as internet safety. Other 'anti helicopter' types argue the case for a more detached style of parenting in order to encourage independence and to ease a child's transition through the big changes of the education system - from primary to secondary school and then the more significant life change that university brings about. There are also plenty of people arguing that children are given no time to be bored any more, and that boredom helps to develop some of the most important social and creative areas of these young people.

Overhype of Extreme Stereotypes?

Of course it is. Anyone who thinks that there are swathes of mums ferrying their child to 8 different activities a week, making their bed for them, preparing all their meals and scheduling multiple Pinterest-inspired home activities to work on their 'key development areas' is misguided at best. On the other hand I doubt there are too many parents who take a seriously hands off approach as a deliberate attempt to make their child a more independent, life-savvy individual. In fact I propose these parents are probably the ones just making less effort, probably with fewer real advantages for the child. (But knocking those parents breaking their necks to do the best for their child is an easy defence, right?).

Those with any sense must surely conclude that the optimal parenting approach (however elusive but good to aim for) combines both types of child-rearing? I think it is important to do lots with children, not as much as a 24/7 week enables you to but as much as reasonably fits into your week around siblings and your own child's needs and abilities (as opposed to your aspirations for them). It is also important to allow your children time and space on their own to learn to fill their own time, to teach them how to look after themselves a bit and to let them make mistakes. Provided you're not doing this by always providing technology to alleviate the boredom and freely letting them get into serious trouble as a means of learning a lesson then you're probably doing the right stuff.

Are you Helicopter Parenting your Baby?

I should hope so! I mean obviously they are a long way off learning to look after themselves. But helicopter parenting is an approach that doe - indeed should - apply to looking after a baby. For starters, plenty of mums partake in lots of baby groups and classes (where finances permit) such as music classes, baby massage or swimming. The key benefit of the baby groups is for the mother (and it's an important one) but lots of the classes are great for babies. They provide a great building block for activities and skills going forwards - especially something like baby swimming. As long as parents are sensitive to their baby's limits in terms of over stimulation or tiring them, these can only be a good thing. Although I do urge caution to any new mum overstating the benefits of one activity or another - it's easier getting a 5 year old to swim if they have always done it, but it's never too late to learn and nobody can claim that baby swimming is producing our future Olympians.

The idea of 'hovering' is a perfect analogy for how many parents (usually mums) care for their babies. John Bowlby, a well-respected British psychologist was famous for his belief that there is no such thing as spoiling an infant with too much attention. Most mums dedicate as much time as they can find (which obviously varies according to your situation) to watching over their baby's every move, making sure that they are safe, they are clean, they are fed and that they are developing normally. By talking to them, offering them toys (or random inanimate objects), taking them out and about and introducing them to different experiences the helicopter parent is doing all the right things! (I'm removing sleep training separation from this argument as I believe it is a totally separate issue/argument).

There are few that can argue against this approach to caring for an infant and that's why the debate revolves around the older child. But perhaps the fact that it is a behaviour that comes so naturally to many parents at such an early stage that so many of us continue the philosophy later into their childhood. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world, I for one am yet to be convinced that helicopter parents are making mistakes big enough to be worthy of achieving headlines.