How to Cope When it Doesn't Happen Overnight

When you're trying for a baby and it doesn't happen as quickly as you expected, it's natural to feel frustrated, stressed and sad. After years of trying not to get pregnant, most people find it a shock when they don't fall pregnant the first or second month. Thoughts about getting pregnant can very quickly come to dominate your life when you are trying to conceive, and it's easy to see why when your daily life revolves around ovulation kits, taking your basal temperature, having sex on the 'right' days, eating the 'right' foods, and reminding your partner not to have hot baths or wear tight underwear. There are ways however you can stay positive during your journey to get pregnant, and minimise the impact trying for a baby has on your life and your relationships.

Stay positive

Many women assume that they will get pregnant straight away and that if they don't, there must be something wrong. It's important to keep timescales in perspective however. Just because you don't get pregnant straight away, or even after a while of trying, doesn't mean you won't. If you feel upset when another month passes and you're not pregnant, remind yourself that 80% of couples get pregnant within one year of trying, and 95% get pregnant within two years. Doctors only recommend you go to see them about fertility issues if you have been having regular unprotected sex (2-3 times a week) for 12 months, or 6 months if the woman is 35 or over. It's perfectly normal to feel anxious if it seems to be taking forever to get pregnant, but remember that it can take up to 12 months for healthy couples to conceive, even when there are no fertility issues on either side.

When you long for a baby, getting your period can seem devastating. If you feel like crying when your period arrives, it's ok to let yourself have a good cry. Crying releases stress hormones and can make you feel better afterwards. Remind yourself that next month provides new opportunities and stay positive.

Embrace family and friends

When you're trying to conceive but facing disappointment each month, it can feel as if everyone you know is getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. It's natural to want to protect yourself from this, as seeing pregnant friends or friends with babies can remind you of what you don't have yet. It's ok if you don't feel like going to a baby shower or christening, because you feel it will upset you, but it's important not to cut yourself off from your pregnant friends or friends who have children. Surrounding yourself with your friends can lift your spirits and take your mind off thinking about getting pregnant. Avoiding seeing friends who have babies can make anxiety and sadness over not getting pregnant even worse, as it adds loneliness and social isolation to what is already a difficult time. If you get upset being around babies, opting for non-baby focused activities, such as a girls' night out, and enjoy connecting with old friends and having a girly catch-up.

Relax about trying for a baby

Stress can actually hamper your efforts to conceive, and although admittedly it's easier said than done, taking a more relaxed approach to baby making can increase your chances of conceiving. Although timing sex around ovulation is a great idea to increase your chances of getting pregnant, experts agree that having sex 2-3 times a week throughout the month gives you the best chances of conceiving. Sex can become a chore when it's only about trying to make a baby. Many couples find that after months or years of trying of timing sex, they fall pregnant when they stopped trying so hard. So don't worry too much about ovulation charts and focus more on enjoying your love life. Bring some spontaneity back into the bedroom and rekindle the passion that brought you together.

Spend quality time with your partner

Fertility issues can put even the strongest of relationships under pressure, so make sure you and your partner talk to each other about how you're both coping. Don't blame yourself or each other. Communication is important both during pregnancy and parenthood, so get yourselves off to a good start now. Make sure you spend quality time together, where you can just enjoy being together. Whether it's a 'date' night, a hike through the countryside, going to a comedy show, or snuggling up watching a dvd, spending time together will bring you closer and make you more relaxed.

Indulge in old or new interests

To distract yourself from what can at times be an all-consuming desire to get pregnant, take up new hobbies, or reclaim old ones. Find activities that you love doing; it might be joining a dance class, learning to play a musical instrument, taking up painting, or cake decorating. If there's been something you've wanted to get into, now's the time to do it. Activities that keep you fit, like walking or dancing, are especially helpful as having a healthy body mass index (BMI) can increase your chances of conception.

Sharing plans with others

When you're trying for a baby you might wonder whether you should share your baby plans with anyone. Many couples who have told friends and family that they are trying for a baby are then plagued by the question 'are you pregnant yet?' or 'why aren't you pregnant yet?' every time they see them, which can be very upsetting for a couple who are trying to conceive. Telling too many people can put added pressure on you and your partner to get pregnant. On the other hand, if you are struggling to conceive, or are worried that its taking longer than you thought, confiding in close friends can help get you through the anxious wait to conceive. It's a very personal choice whether to tell people about your plans, and while some people thrive on the support of others, other people prefer to keep things private. If you decide to share your baby making plans with other people, confide in friends you can trust not to share your plans with anybody else.

Support groups

Talking to other couples in the same situation can help you cope with the disappointment of not yet falling pregnant. Support groups are fantastic for providing support and understanding, and you can find out about other couples' stories of their journey to conceive. Online support groups include the Infertility Network UK and fertilityfriends.co.uk.